ALL OF MY WORST FEARS| Bugs + My Biggest Fear Ever
Well hello there, friend. Recently I went through all my old blog post ideas and drafts to narrow then down and clean things up. Most were silly and nothing special, but a few piqued my interest again. One of them being a partially written draft from ages ago where I had started listing all my worst fears. Sounds cheery, right?
If you read my Life Update post, then you'll know that I am the happiest I have ever been. I am
- busy (a nice busy, the kind that feels exciting),
- content with my life,
- and a whole bunch of other warm fuzzy feelings that can be embodied by a cheesy tumblr quote.
So as I'm sure you can imagine, reading over a list of my fears from a two years ago was heartbreaking and inspiring. Because of how happy I am now, I have forgotten how small I used to feel. Fear was a daily battle for me, and now? I only have one fear (believe me, I've looked for more).
Now, my only fear is forgetting.
Which I find very ironic since I did just that.
And in honor of not forgetting, I'm going to broadcast my old fears across the internet.
All My Worst Fears:
The Dark: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Who wasn't afraid of the dark at some point? Tho tbh, I was afraid of the dark mainly because I thought that raccoons lurked in the shadows, awaiting my demise (you have no idea Jerry, raccoons are terrifying).
Being Lied To: I used to have major trust issues. If someone told me anything good, I assumed they were lying because they didn't think I could handle the truth or because they intentionally wanted to trick me.
Never Becoming Anything: This was one that haunted me. I'm pretty sure it's also the most common, which is funny because I liked to be dramatic and pretend that I was a special snowflake (the special, unappreciated, artist snowflake). Now I know how silly that fear was. Because:
- I'm very motivated
- I take criticism well
- um, I don't take it badly
- k fine I CRY but yeah I take it well
- I'm so amazing, like, y'all don't even know how cool I am
- I'm humble, too.
My Best Friend Finally Seeing How Unlovable I Was: woah there Evangeline, depressing much? If you have the privilege of knowing me really well (stop laughing Jerry, I am a delight), then you know that I am an all or nothing kind of person. My best friend is everything to me, and I am everything to her (which I finally believe her when she says that lol). I lived in constant fear that she would finally see that she could do so much better than me. I wish that I could write a strongly worded letter to Younger Me.
Crane Flies: OKAY YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT THESE SPIDERS WITH WINGS ARE THE WORST. (They're not actually spiders with wings, bUT BASICALLY) Crane Flies are also known as Skeeter Eaters. They don't do anything scary other than exist. They're just the worst. I'm not afraid of them anymore, but I would still not invite them to any parties.
Being Unwanted: Ah, and here's the biggie. I am astounded how completely and utterly loved and wanted I now feel by my family. friends, and God. They didn't change anything; I changed.
I thought that since I was just like everyone else, only less, that anyone would be foolish to love me or want to spend time with me. I thought that everyone was putting up with me out of pity or duty. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS (because as we have already established, I am amazing). I got my self-worth out of being loved by others, and if I doubted it, then I felt horrible about myself, which made me think that others could never love me, which made me feel even WORSE about myself, rinse and repeat until you're crying and eating handfuls of cheerios in the dark. #classy
I'm posting this because, honestly, it never felt like I would be able to crawl out of the whole of fear and anxiety that I had tripped into without realizing.
I wish that I could go back and comfort smol child Me, but also, I've grown a lot from working through those fears.
|this warms my heart.|
What is something you are afraid of? Have you ever gotten over any fears? What are your thoughts on crane flies? IF YOU ARE SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS THEM, YOU HAVE NO GOOD OPINIONS. but like, each to their own.