Then I turned eleven, and I realized that she and I were drifting apart. That was the end of my little world. We were no longer best friends, we were no longer referred to as one person. Looking back, I can see that she and I were never even truly friends. I thought I knew what friendship was, but I had no idea what it meant. I've gone through a lot of "friends" in my life, when I say a lot I actually mean, like, 5.
I was finding my worth, my identity, in how many friends I had. Because I wasn't the best at making friends, I fell into a couple of months of self-loathing. I barely wanted to look at myself in the mirror because I was an awful person who couldn't do anything right. Now, this may sound like the most petty, lame, and selfish attitude to have, and you'd be right. Looking back at myself, I was an idiot, but in the moment, it felt like the worst feeling ever.
I lost sight of God. I let go of what I knew to be true -- that I am beautifully and fearfully made -- and I made up my own truth.
Now you may not be in the same situation where you're feeling bad because you don't have a lot of friends, but losing sight of God or finding your worth in something other than the One who Created you is so easy.
It took me a couple months to stop hating myself, and after that it took another six months to start liking myself a little bit. I am still working to not find my worth in anything other than God, and it is hard because I love being productive and feeling like I am doing something that will impact the world. I just can't let that feeling take away my peace that He loves me, and that is all that will ever matter.
I have peace knowing that He will always take care of me and love me because I am His and not because of how many friends I have or how much I get done in a day. He loves me.
I don't really know why I felt like writing about that, but I did, so...there.