So here is my 10-step program for those who want to become a writer overnight*.
*This is a dramatization and sarcasm may also be involved.
#1 Start talking to yourself.
This one is so important to becoming a writer. You can talk to yourself, the wall, or the characters inside your head. Whatever feels most natural.
#2 Start observing people.
When you're having a conversation, listen for the dialogue patterns, mannerisms of speech, and quirks. Make sure it gets to the point that you can't have a good conversation without thinking about the subject as if you were a character.
#3 Find something you can eat (or drink) while you write AND OBSESS
I don't mean just find something you like, say cheetos, and eat them during writing. That's only a small part of it. For most of the day you should be thinking about that food or drink in the back of your mind. Make sure that when you sit down and write, you can't do it without said item. When the power goes out, you should have a meltdown because you can't get to the food or drink item.
#4 Find your genre.
Find your prefered genre, whether that be fantasy, sci-fi, historical fiction, or whatever your niche is, and begin to hold on to that genre like it's your favorite stuffed animal. When you write in another genre, make sure you're really confused and wishing that you had that stuffed animal back.
#5 Make impossible deadlines.
I don't mean I have to write 2,000 words before lunch. I'm talking about the super realistic, I have to finish this novel by the end of the week or I am a failure. That point usually hits when you've met the halfway mark. And if you don't meet that deadline? Well of course you become a little puddle of emotion and broken dreams.
#6 Choose a character(s) that you torture.
This step is pretty flexible. You can choose any number of characters to torture. In fact, the more the better. Somehow, this character ends up an orphan, a war veteran with PTSD, an amputee, and then they get in a car accident or their best friend dies. You have to make sure to feel kind of bad, but also excited about what you're putting these characters through.
This is a crucial step. You must spend at least 3 hours a day cruising through Pinterest for "inspiration" when you were supposed to be writing. It also helps if a family member comes in and asks what you're doing. The obligatory response is I'm just trying to get inspired. Then you should spend another half an hour on there for good measure.
#8 Become a music addict.
By this step, you should be itching to come up with at least ten playlists of music specifically tailored to each character, environment, and plot point. The more playlists you have, the better.
Before you've even written the first draft, you should be thinking about editing and all the other things you're going to have to do to get this novel ready to publish. Start side planning a couple other novels (we'll visit these in step 10). You should be scheduling the next couple months so that you get your novel finished (with impossible standards that will never actually be realized, of course).
#10 WRITE WRITE WRITE
At this point, you should have planned your novel to the very last detail, and you should have created multiple Pinterest boards, made playlists, and acquired your food or drink that you love. You are ready to write. Just one small problem... You have used all of your inspiration on this prep and now want to write the other novels that you side planned in step 9.
There it is. My 10-Step program for all of those who wish to become bestselling authors (or just writers in general).
What do you think? Did I miss a step?