People are harder to deal with than books, surprisingly. Throughout my years of hiding out behind curtains, waiting for the little masked horrors (people are calling them children?? BUT THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE PLASTIC MACHETES) to knock and bring news of their reign of terror, I have learned how to emerge from the drapery and SURVIVE.
So for no reason at all, welcome to Halloween 101.
Also known as the perfect excuse to dress up like Batman and run around town stealing children's candy. I have become the master of last minute costumes. I will depart some of my wisdom on you. You're welcome...
#1 - Dress in red and black, carry around a plastic axe, and voila, Modern Day Queen of Hearts. It also helps if you attempt to behead others, and you get to yell a lot.
#2 - Find a white onesie and wear a paper crown, and BAM, instant Max from Where the Wild Things Are. For the rest of the evening, you can steal food, sit on the floor, and act like a wild thing... #fierce
#3 - Wear all green, wear "nerd" glasses, and a green beanie, and boOM, Hipster Peter Pan. It helps if you have a dagger and run around telling people they're looking old...
trick or treating.
If you are out trick-or-treating with your chosen bodyguard, the best way to avoid any human contact or interaction is to dart from bush to bush, waiting for the first group of children to leave, and then darting in to grab the candy before the next wave of people descends.
If you are staying home to disperse the candy, what are you doing with your life?? Take the candy, retreat to your room, and read whilst consuming all the Reeses you can fit in your mouth at one time.
When you and your friends (or you and your pet hamster) are sitting around on Halloween night, and one of you gets the bright idea to watch a scary movie, WHAT DOES YOUR FRIGHTENED LITTLE HEART DO? It panics. But no, hold up a moment, I have the answer. Pick a safe scary movie. Pick a movie that is just on the edge of "is-that-a-shadow-or-a-murderer" and "MOTHER-NEVER-LEAVE-ME-AND-NEVER-TURN-THE-LIGHTS-OUT".
Just don't do it, man. Don't do haunted houses. My sister went through one, and she hid behind my brother the whole time, pushing him through. HAUNTED HOUSES ARE SKETCH. They are the perfect place to commit murder, though... Not that I'm condoning murder, but you know, if you're already planning on it, I have advice...
Do you have any tips on how to survive Halloween? Do you celebrate Halloween? If you do, how so? (and if not, you are missing out on candy corn, my friend, which is a crime)