Sunday, August 28, 2016

My Worth -- I Am Not a Friendless Troll.

I've always been a really awkward person. With that awkwardness comes the gift of not making friends easily, not to mention, for the most part, I prefer the company of books over most people that I have come into contact with. At the church I used to go to, I had one best friend. When I say best, I mean we were one person. Literally. We mashed our names together to become one awesome, superhuman. We were epic.

Then I turned eleven, and I realized that she and I were drifting apart. That was the end of my little world. We were no longer best friends, we were no longer referred to as one person. Looking back, I can see that she and I were never even truly friends. I thought I knew what friendship was, but I had no idea what it meant. I've gone through a lot of "friends" in my life, when I say a lot I actually mean, like, 5.
So popular. 
My sister on the other hand, she actually was "popular". I was so jealous of her because I thought that if I had friends than I would be just as cool, pretty, and great as I thought she was. Whenever I was around her, I was bitter and judgmental, hoping that I would find something wrong with her to make myself feel better.
ME
Turns out, she was just as insecure as me, she was just better at faking like she wasn't.This had a point, what was the point? 
Oh yeah.
I was finding my worth, my identity, in how many friends I had. Because I wasn't the best at making friends, I fell into a couple of months of self-loathing. I barely wanted to look at myself in the mirror because I was an awful person who couldn't do anything right. Now, this may sound like the most petty, lame, and selfish attitude to have, and you'd be right. Looking back at myself, I was an idiot, but in the moment, it felt like the worst feeling ever. 

I lost sight of God. I let go of what I knew to be true -- that I am beautifully and fearfully made -- and I made up my own truth. 

Now you may not be in the same situation where you're feeling bad because you don't have a lot of friends, but losing sight of God or finding your worth in something other than the One who Created you is so easy. 

It took me a couple months to stop hating myself, and after that it took another six months to start liking myself a little bit. I am still working to not find my worth in anything other than God, and it is hard because I love being productive and feeling like I am doing something that will impact the world. I just can't let that feeling take away my peace that He loves me, and that is all that will ever matter. 

I have peace knowing that He will always take care of me and love me because I am His and not because of how many friends I have or how much I get done in a day. He loves me.


I don't really know why I felt like writing about that, but I did, so...there. 

Toodlepip

10 comments:

  1. Hon, you pretty much described my life for the past few years.

    Last night at Church I decided that I didn't want to keep doing whatever it was that I was doing that kept me from spending time with God in the morning, and that if I wanted to continue to grow in Christ I would have to be the one to take the initiative each morning to spend time with Him instead of just pushing Him to the backburner whenever I wanted to. (wow, that was a long sentence)

    So yes, your post this morning was God winking at me. There was definitely a reason. Thanks Sister!

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    1. I'm so glad that God has been working in your life in that way! And I'm glad there was a reason. :)

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  2. Aww, Evangeline, I totally feel you on this! I'm a very shy, withdrawn person in real life (I know, I seem so crazy on the internet XD), and I struggle with making friends. I feel like I have to be a different person for people to like me sometimes, and I can get really wrapped-up in the fact that I don't really know a lot of people in my youth group. But that's not what I should be focusing on. I should be focusing on the fact that God created me to be ME. I'm not supposed to keep "changing" myself to be who other people want me to be. And honestly, if they don't like me the way I am, who cares? They're the ones missing out (as you can testify ;D).

    So glad you shared this with us, dear! I've struggled a LOT with this (I even wrote a whole post about self-doubts), and it's really hard for me to remember where my worth truly lies. It's not in my friends, my grades, or my talents (whatever those are :P)--it's in my Savior.

    Thanks again! I'm uber grateful to know you and call you MY friend. <3

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    1. Mary, thank you so much for sharing that with me! I feel like we all go through things like this, and being open about it is encouraging. YOU are so awesome, and I am so thankful for you. :)

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  3. Wow, I feel that a lot of people go through these feelings. Forgetting about God in these situations is the worst thing.

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    1. Yeah, it seems as though it is a very easy thing to do. And taking our eyes off of God is ALWAYS the worst thing. :)

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  4. Tagged you for The Celebrities Tag! And I actually used your real name! I've just now figured out that your name is Evangeline and not Laura...

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    1. Awesome! Thank you for the tag! And no problem, I'm used to either one. XD

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  5. "Losing sight of God or finding your worth in something other than the One who Created you is so easy."

    Wow, preach!! I've been struggling with this, too. If it's not one thing, it's something else. It's a very tricky thing, identity and worth. The world tells us it's in our bodies, in our relationships, in our face, our talents, our smarts. But truly, it's in God. Thank you for this reminder :) It helps to know that I am not the only one struggling with this. Praying that you will continue to remember God's love for you!

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    1. It is. :) It's always good to reroot ourselves in His love instead of the world.

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