Thursday, June 9, 2016

A 10-Step Program to Becoming a Writer

I saw something the other day that said, "Do you want to become a writer? A 10-step guide to becoming a writer." That struck me as funny. For some reason, I'm over here struggling to come up with good, original content that is public-worthy, when I could just get a 10-step program to writing the next best-seller! Why didn't I think of a 10-step program?

So here is my 10-step program for those who want to become a writer overnight*.

*This is a dramatization and sarcasm may also be involved. 


#1 Start talking to yourself.
This one is so important to becoming a writer. You can talk to yourself, the wall, or the characters inside your head. Whatever feels most natural.

#2 Start observing people.
When you're having a conversation, listen for the dialogue patterns, mannerisms of speech, and quirks. Make sure it gets to the point that you can't have a good conversation without thinking about the subject as if you were a character.

#3 Find something you can eat (or drink) while you write AND OBSESS
I don't mean just find something you like, say cheetos, and eat them during writing. That's only a small part of it. For most of the day you should be thinking about that food or drink in the back of your mind. Make sure that when you sit down and write, you can't do it without said item. When the power goes out, you should have a meltdown because you can't get to the food or drink item.

#4 Find your genre.

Find your prefered genre, whether that be fantasy, sci-fi, historical fiction, or whatever your niche is, and begin to hold on to that genre like it's your favorite stuffed animal. When you write in another genre, make sure you're really confused and wishing that you had that stuffed animal back.

#5 Make impossible deadlines.
I don't mean I have to write 2,000 words before lunch. I'm talking about the super realistic, I have to finish this novel by the end of the week or I am a failure. That point usually hits when you've met the halfway mark. And if you don't meet that deadline? Well of course you become a little puddle of emotion and broken dreams.

#6 Choose a character(s) that you torture.
This step is pretty flexible. You can choose any number of characters to torture. In fact, the more the better. Somehow, this character ends up an orphan, a war veteran with PTSD, an amputee, and then they get in a car accident or their best friend dies. You have to make sure to feel kind of bad, but also excited about what you're putting these characters through.

#7 Pinterest
This is a crucial step. You must spend at least 3 hours a day cruising through Pinterest for "inspiration" when you were supposed to be writing. It also helps if a family member comes in and asks what you're doing. The obligatory response is I'm just trying to get inspired. Then you should spend another half an hour on there for good measure.

#8 Become a music addict.
By this step, you should be itching to come up with at least ten playlists of music specifically tailored to each character, environment, and plot point. The more playlists you have, the better.

#9 Overplan
Before you've even written the first draft, you should be thinking about editing and all the other things you're going to have to do to get this novel ready to publish. Start side planning a couple other novels (we'll visit these in step 10). You should be scheduling the next couple months so that you get your novel finished (with impossible standards that will never actually be realized, of course).

#10 WRITE WRITE WRITE
At this point, you should have planned your novel to the very last detail, and you should have created multiple Pinterest boards, made playlists, and acquired your food or drink that you love. You are ready to write. Just one small problem... You have used all of your inspiration on this prep and now want to write the other novels that you side planned in step 9.

There it is. My 10-Step program for all of those who wish to become bestselling authors (or just writers in general).

What do you think? Did I miss a step?

Toodlepip

18 comments:

  1. This is so accurate it's not even funny. xD

    ~Lydia~ <3

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    1. Thanks! I knew I wasn't the only one. XD

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  2. Thank you! I FINALLY know how to become a successful writer in 10 easy steps! XD

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    1. Of course! I figured it was time that I should share my writing secrets with the world. XD

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  3. YUP. this is pretty much just 100% accurate. *nods* So I'm just going to follow this entirely and at the end I should have a bestselling book right? RIGHT. I'm super good at torturing characters and wasting a gazillion hours on pinterest, so I CAN FEEL THE FAME COMING ALREADY.

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    1. Exactly. Once you complete this step-by-step, you should be knocking on Fame and Fortune's door. XD

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  4. 'You have to make sure to feel kind of bad, but also excited about what you're putting these characters through.' << okay this line though. XD

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  5. This is just what every writer needs to start their career. Like seriously PINTEREST IS BLACK HOLE.

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    1. IT IS. And I don't think that it will ever stop being part of my "creative process". ;)

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  6. I haven't taken the time yet to look more through your blog but I can say that your writing style is so good and this post is just what I needed!
    xx

    http://teenapes.blogspot.com/

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  7. This advice is MOST excellent, and as myself, not a writer but a creator in general, I can testify that these steps are applicable in any creative process. Except for maybe step 10. Good advice. :)

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    1. Yes, I would say that is quite versatile advice. Clearly, with this foolproof plan, you will go on to become a success at your preferred profession. ;)

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  8. ARGH! This is kind of my life, and has been for 22 years now. Except for Pinterest, which has only existed for a few of those.

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    1. Right? And thank goodness Pinterest hasn't been around for all that time otherwise I would never have gotten any work done, either. XD

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  9. THIS IS SO TRUE. ESPECIALLY THE PLAYLIST ONE.

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    1. RIGHT?! That playlist one is #storyofmylife. XD

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